Dani Pinkus

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Girl on Girl: When to Have Sex — Are We There Yet?

Girl on Girl: When to Have Sex — Are We There Yet?

Originally published on CUIndependent.com on Sept. 9, 2016

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Deciding when to have sex according to where you want the relationship to go. Okay, so this is something that I’m super mixed on. But to start at the beginning, here is what I am not confused on: sex rules, and women should have agency to choose when to say “YES” and when to say “NO.” Screw your tradition, your societal norms and your terrible addiction of slut shaming — we are women and we do what we want.

Here is the thing that throws the whole operation off. What if you want a relationship? What if you don’t just want a hook-up? But you do want to have sex. But you don’t want to be forgotten, and you don’t want to be used by another fuckboy. But you do want to be a independent woman who can decide this stuff autonomously, but but but — all the things.

So I don’t know; I’m really stumped here! Because if you were my friend (hey homie), I would tell you to wait. You like him? Wait. Make him love you before he even knows the half of it. Make him want you so badly that he can’t even stand it. Show him how much more you are than a pair of T and A and then make him beg for it. Show him your unique brilliance. Let that be the reason he can’t keep his hands off you. Because then the physical stuff is the bonus instead of the demand of the relationship. It’s the special, not the guarantee. When it finally happens, when you make that leap from a great, foundational relationship into intimacy, he will never let you go.

But, hey, that’s a lot of patience and we women are also horny humans screaming in the backseat of a car that we would rather be topless in, “Are we there yet?!?!”

Dial it back. I say this, and then have to remind myself of that other stuff that I actually believe, and I’m upset for playing the game.

Let’s get a show of hands. How many of you have been told by a really sweet guy that he liked you, that he cared, and of course he would call you tomorrow because sex doesn’t change anything — it’s just fun!

Has anyone else ever been yelled at a few weeks later from the guy who swears he never committed to you… Or that he never signed a personalized contract? That’s another story. I’m telling you, let’s get coffee.

Point is, it’s proven. You give them what they want up front and it’s game over! One and done! Toot it and boot it! Hit it and quit it! Smash and dash! Screw and bolt! Nail it and bail it! The works.

So… Know what you’re in for? But how can you really tell?

Because then we have the exception. The one time, late night, 2 a.m. rendezvous that follows through. The guy that calls. The guy that works. The guy that wants to buy you dinner and hang out with your roommates while they’re covered in pink pimple medicine.

Not waiting for sex, waiting for sex, it’s all an implication!

Is anyone else pissed off?

What if you just wanted him once and he keeps calling? Hey, it happens.

Pursuing and being pursued is fun! Or at least it’s supposed to be. Hook ups, dating, relationships, love — it’s the game we love to hate. It’s one which is played from person to person, and as we all know from the rude awakening of life’s daily encounters, you can’t expect anything from anyone. Sad reality? Or simple truth?

We can’t do it all. We can’t please society’s sexist, bullshit standards, and the guy we’re crushing on and ourselves. But one thing here should be obvious: you are the most important player in the game. You only get one you! The right societal circumstances and the right man will follow. You can only dictate your own actions, unfortunately leaving the actions of others incredibly up in the air. So much is uncertain, so try to enjoy yourself in the process!

And I guess that’s just it — you can’t plan for who you will have a connection with. You can’t anticipate getting swept off your feet, or being the one that does the sweeping. You never know the outcome, and that’s what you have to go in knowing. The best thing you can do is stand confidently in your actions. It is your body and that is your right. It is your pride, and it should also be your pleasure.

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